Robbed of Real Connection: And How to Start Reclaiming It, One Intentional Hour at a Time

There’s a quiet ache that many of us carry, especially in adulthood, that no one really talks about until it starts to show up in burnout, loneliness, or the question, “Who really knows me anymore?”

It’s the ache of not having true, sustaining friendship.

Not the networking kind.

Not the “how’s work going?” kind.

But the kind of friendship that helps you breathe a little deeper. That shares the weight. That knows your story without needing you to explain it again.

And if you’re like me, you may have gone years being surrounded by people—maybe even admired, respected, or leading others—while still feeling that void.

My Mountaintop Moment

Earlier this year, my wife turned 40. Instead of a party, she asked for something different—something that would stretch her body and feed her spirit. She wanted a hike.

So we planned a trip with a couple we’ve known and grown close to over the last five years. We climbed through the Shenandoah Valley. Shared meals. Laughed. Sweat. Prayed. Celebrated life together.

At the summit, standing beside them and looking out over miles of God’s handiwork, I had a moment of deep clarity:

“This is rare.”

Real friendship, at our age, with shared depth and mutual presence—it’s not common. It takes intention. And I almost missed it.

Because if I’m honest, I haven’t always known how to be a good friend.

I’ve coached leaders. I’ve mentored dozens. I’ve walked with folks through grief, transition, and breakthrough. I’ve had a lot of close associates, and for years I confused that for true friendship.

But I’ve spent most of my adult life being a recovering workaholic.

Task-focused. Mission-driven. Helpful to everyone—but emotionally available to very few.

And now, nearing 40, I’m just now learning what it means to let people in—not to fix them, but to be with them. To be seen. To share back.

I’m learning not just how to have friends—but how to be one.

What the Research Tells Us

In 2018, Jeffrey A. Hall published a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships that breaks down how friendships form. He found:

• 50 hours to move from acquaintance to casual friend

• 90–100 hours to become a regular friend

• 200+ hours to develop a close friendship

  
  

But here’s the catch: those hours have to be intentional—shared time, honest conversation, emotional presence.

That kind of time is rare in the rhythms of adult life.

Do the Math: Why We Feel Alone

Let’s say two adults—say, 35 years old—manage to meet once a week for two hours. No distractions. Just presence.

2 hours/week = 100 weeks to hit 200 hours

That’s almost two full years of consistency, just to get close.

Now add kids, work, travel, stress, social anxiety, and burnout—and it becomes easy to see why friendship feels out of reach.

The Culture Isn’t Helping

We live in a world that rewards independence and hustle.

Where busyness is a badge of honor and loneliness is hidden behind curated photos and calendar invites.

The culture of business—especially for people who lead or build—has trained us to be useful, not vulnerable.

To show up for others without ever asking anyone to show up for us.

But that kind of life hollows you out.

It’s high-functioning isolation.

And the Cost Is Real

We know from research that deep friendship is tied to emotional resilience, lower rates of anxiety and depression, even longer life spans.

But we don’t need a study to know this in our bones.

We feel the cost of disconnection.

We feel it in our inability to rest.

We feel it in the moments we succeed publicly but grieve privately, because there’s no one who really knows the weight.

✦ Coaching Response: Rebuilding Real Connection

If you feel that ache—if you’re noticing the hunger for something deeper—you’re not broken. You’re ready.

Here’s how I’ve been working through it myself, and how I guide others to begin:

1.Audit Your Presence

Where is your energy going? What percentage of your relational time is invested in people who know you—not just what you do?

2.Name the Gaps and Longings

Whose absence do you feel? Who do you wish you had deeper connection with? Be brave enough to say it—even to yourself.

3.Practice “2-Hour Friendship”

Once a week, spend two hours with someone in a way that invites depth. No agenda. No performance. Just presence.

That’s how you build your 200 hours.

4.Treat Friendship as Formation

Friendship isn’t extra. It’s part of your emotional and spiritual health. Make space for it like you would for prayer, therapy, or rest.

5. Become the Friend You’ve Needed

The best way to build meaningful connection is to offer it. Be the one who checks in. Who remembers. Who slows down. Who opens up.

That’s what I’m learning. And it’s healing more than I expected.

I stood on a literal mountaintop this year and realized I’d spent a lot of time helping others grow, while forgetting that I needed connection too.

I’m still learning how to let people love me.

Still learning how to show up without fixing or leading.

Still learning how to be a friend—not just have them.

But I’m convinced that’s some of the most important work I’ve ever done.

If you’ve been running on empty, surrounded by people but known by few—let this be your invitation.

Start building the friendships that make you whole.

You don’t have to do it fast.

You just have to do it on purpose.

And I’ll be right here, walking that same road.

—Rev. Zeb